Sometimes I have feelings of great confidence of what I did as a mother. I gave my heart and soul to the divine role given to me by my Father in Heaven. I truly sacrificed in my own way and used my best capabilities and tried diligently to be led by my Father in Heaven and also use the atonement for my many mistakes. I loved, I cared, and gave my all, all that I had.
I always wanted to be a mother, from the time I was very small. I actually became one in a sense at a young age when my parents divorced, my mother had to go to work fulltime and I was the eldest at home with 3 younger brothers. They became my charge at the age of 14/15 and because I was named caretaker I gave up my teenage years to help my mother. At the same time my sister had 3 daughters and needed a sitter for them often and I became their nanny aunt on weekends or whenever her husband was gone, which was alot, I was so close to them, how I loved them, still do!! Those years were filled with challenges, physical and emotional exhaustion with school, work and the kids that I helped to take care of even before I was a real mother myself. But I knew that that was what I wanted to be.
When I actually became a mother myself, that is where the real challenges were!!!!
I worked hard at nurturing my little crew, teaching them and loving my children. I tried to learn better ways in teaching them, I was hungering and thirsting to find the best way to raise them and do right by them. I have found that the word "motherhood" means the principal business of one's life by loving, nurturing her children. That God's definition of Motherhood is near to divinity, nurturers, sacrificing her own comforts for those of her children and loving them with fierceness and loyalty that is uncomparable. Despite my mistakes I can say I work so hard to raise them right.
In contrast, there are many times, I have lost confidence in myself as a mother, and have doubted myself, I think more in the last several years than ever before! From other's opinions, from assumptions or other sources that take on the world's definition. Often there is a lack of affirmation from the world's view on being a mother! But I just kept trying to do my best and I still keep trying to do my best even with adults for children!
My Visiting Teachers were here today and we were talking of motherhood and one of them said a man in Toronto, Canada, where they were living at the time was watching her and her 7 children and came up to her and said, you are LDS aren't you!!! And of course she answered yes! He said the women of your church are so good! They are staying true to what a good woman does, family, heart of the home, raising kids with values!! She felt that was a great compliment to the women of the church. Some do notice, Mothers do matter!!!
I so appreciated hearing that, it lifted me and reminded me that all that I have done has not and will not go unnoticed by my Father in Heaven. That the choices I made as a mother in their growing up years was the best decision at the time and the circumstance. And still is!! I try not to lean on my own understanding, but listen to what is impressed upon my mind and my heart concerning my family! No one can take that away and as I live with daily doing my best, I will have no regrets, even when the adversary comes in through other people from time to time who's opinions have caused me to doubt myself, that I did make a difference with my children being their mother and they are good people with good hearts trying to make it themselves. So what I've learned is I'm in the process of purifying not perfection! As hard as it is, I'm so happy I'm a mother, it's all I wanted to be!!!
This was definitely a babbling blog! Hope you understand!